Chairs Are For Chumps!

Me and my big mouth are back from a very busy day to bring you... Ran-dumb Reviews! Where all your wildest dreams become boring reality...

Today, I'll be shining the light on dem chairs. I mean, what is up with those deceiving booby traps rigged to make anyone lazy at the mere sight of it? "Have a seat, relax, take the load off, let your bottom kiss me..." it says. More like, "Do not stand, become lazy, let go of all your problems, @#&@^$*#&(*)." I don't trust dem chairs, benches, bleachers, seats, couches, swings, or any other member of their family tree...

I'm guessing this is the part where I enumerate my pointless reasons for dissing said object in the first place:

1. Chairs... are just too tempting. The slightest sight of such can capture a man's strength and convert it to utter indolence. This is proven by the trademark people who prefer to sit in their chairs as they move it around the room. Curse the normal chairs for making quite a noise as well as the wheeled ones for reinforcing sitting!

2. Chairs are enemies of standing. What's wrong with standing? Standing is healthy yet effortless exercise. You exert way more energy to sit down since there is so much strain in you lower body when bending down to sit let alone maintaing one's proper posture while sitting down. Furthermore, if you accustom yourself with the improper posture, you even risk yourself to arthritis, scoliosis, and such. That's a double-win for standing.

3. Chairs require raw materials such as wood, plastic, cloth, or steel to make. Standing is ecologically friendly and economically reasonable. No "whatevers" were harmed while someone stands. Unless you count the ground harmed for being stepped on, or gravity having a hard time pulling someone down... As for sitting, anyone who sits on a chair is held responsible for any animal killed, tree chopped down, smoke-belching factory built, financially-challenged worker fired, ozone hole present, and economical decline throughout history since chairs existed.

4. Chairs ruin the human evolutionary trait of using one's feet and legs. According to Darwin's theory of use and disuse, the more you use a body part, the more it grows and vice versa. The use of our thumbs made it an exceptional asset which puts the entire animal kingdom to shame. As for sitting down, we neglect the use of our feet and legs, so the future of humankind might be legless slackers of our former selves. Standing uses the whole body fighting against the pull of gravity.

5. The chair prevents people from taking a stand! You really can't argue with this reason. It's true at some degree. Though it is completely irrelevant to the topic at hand, I found it uncannily fitting.

Well, is that enough information chumps? "Chair" this blessing of knowledge and pass it to anyone who can't stand sitting. Take a stand today! Chairs are only useful if you stand on them! Better still if you don't get a chair in the first place.

P.S. This blog post was made standing. Mostly 'coz there were no chairs around.
P.P.S. I'm lying on my P.S.
P.P.P.S. Beds are a different story...

Straws Are For Suckers!

Me and my big mouth are going random with a new segment I'd like to call Ran-dumb Reviews; where some things are always more equal than others...

I'll start this segment with straws. Straws are for suckers! Well, besides that they're literally for people who suck (no offense), only lazy people who are afraid to get their hands wet and who rely on the concept of capillarity use straws.

Let me enumerate the reasons why straws suck:

1. Contrary to popular belief, straws actually make drinking harder. You have to inhale through your mouth to get the liquid inside. And if the straw isn't long enough, you have to either bend you neck low enough for the straw to make mouth contact or you have to use your hand to lift the glass for the straw to reach your mouth. Hmmm... wouldn't it be better to just grab the glass and drink from it. You're practically wasting more energy sucking in air while using your hand to lift or your neck to bend.

2. Straws are plastic. I think you know where I'm going at here... I'm not gonna go all environmentally-mental hippie on you but you know what I mean. Save the forest, ocean, ozone, dolphins, whales, and all endangered wildlife from possible harm by not involving yourself with the non-biodegradable system, starting with straws.

3. Straws are possible nesting grounds for some insects such as cockroaches. There has been a report back then that a woman using a straw to drink her iced tea said that it tasted bitter. It turns out that there were freakin' roach eggs in the straw. This is a reminder to all you suckers (again, no offense) to always look in your straws before using them.

4. If the liquid had to go through the container which may already have traces of bacteria, what more if the liquid goes through the straw... repeatedly?!

5. A drink has ice for example. If you use the straw, you'd be drinking all the uncooled liquid at the bottom. Unlike if you drink with your mouth, you'd be sipping all the iced stuff on top.

6. Straws are for suckers who don't wanna get their mouth wet. Drinking a cold, thirst-quenching drink with your lips moistened up is the most refreshing experience! Plus, when drinking hot drinks, you have more control over the heat if you use your mouth, unlike a straw which sends the hot drink straight to your tongue!

7. I'm saying this again, straws suck in all aspects!

There you have it, me and my big mouth have spoken. Straws suck! They always have and they always will. But if you talk about bendy straws, that's another story...